


What I Deserve

by Hunter_Hikari



Category: Splatoon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Feels, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, F/F, Graphic Description, callie and marie work like 20 part time jobs haha, im almost sorry, is it still a highschool au if the characters are hs aged anyway, yeah sorry this is gonna get real ugly later down the line
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-01-25 16:24:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18578185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hunter_Hikari/pseuds/Hunter_Hikari
Summary: (WARNING: This fic is likely to contain graphic descriptions of eating disorders, self-harm, and suicide. Please read at your own discretion. Chapters will contain specific details on their contents in the notes at the beginning to avoid spoilers.)"No thanks. I'm not hungry."Not the biggest lie she's ever told.(An alternate meeting AU sort of thing)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i listened to appetite of a people pleaser one too many times and decided
> 
> what if i took the lowest point in her life  
> and made her fall in love  
> with her traumatic history of romantic failures  
> *at the same time*  
> ahahahahhhahah aus are fun :)
> 
> also this first chapter is kinda long? oops

I stared down at my plate, gently moving the food around with my fork. I wanted to eat it. I wanted to more than anything. But I had to force myself not to. I’d already had enough. Well, that was a lie. I wasn’t even close to full, not even really satiated.

 

“You’ve had enough.”

 

I was trying to convince myself of that fact, but it never worked.

  
  


At lunch that day, I allowed myself a little more than normal. I was having a bad day. A couple of other seniors had taken my stuff and played Jelly in the Middle with it, knowing I couldn’t jump high enough to get it. So I allowed myself a few extra grapes. It hardly made me feel better, knowing I was chickening out just because I’d gotten picked on. The bell rang out, and the other kids dashed out to recess. I waited for the stampede to die down before heading to the bathroom. Locking the stall door behind me and leaning against it, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small vial. It was my escape.

 

I'll spare you the details and just say that it's an emetic.

 

As I’d done tons of times before, I walked out and took a good hard look at myself in the mirror. I used a paper towel to wipe my mouth off and walked down the deserted halls, going to my usual hiding place. Not even having to think about skipping gym, I set an alarm on my phone and curled up in the corner of the closet, trying to fall asleep. I like being asleep. I don’t have to think.

  
  


A musical noise drifted into my head, but… it sounded too distant to be my phone. … Ah. It was coming from outside. I stood up a bit too fast and almost fainted, but I stabilized myself on the wall. I checked the time. 4:17. Shit. I overslept.

 

Wait. Is that a voice?

 

“Pick up the first time, Marie! Jeeeeez! … Okay, okay. I’ll see you in 5 then.”

 

Shiiiiit. Someone’s out there. Left with little other choice, I hunkered down in the corner and prayed they wouldn’t notice me. I held perfectly still, wishing I had ink to hide in. Oh, wait. I took the mop out of its bucket and shook it off, making a little puddle, which I promptly changed to match and dove into. Sweet escape. Hopefully.

 

I could hear the person outside the door singing a song to herself. Her voice was nice, and I couldn’t help but feel like I’d heard it somewhere before. If she was a student, what was she still doing here? Even extracurriculars were already over by this hour. It sounded like she was meeting someone, but why here?

 

“Yo.”

 

“About time! We both have to be here by 4, remember?!”

 

“Sorry, Cal. Couldn’t find my meds.”

 

“But I labelled them!”

 

“Yeah. You wrote “gender fluid” on it with a Sharpie.”

 

“Oh, bite me, that’s funny.”

 

“... Yeah, it was funny.”

 

The door to the closet swung open.

  
  


Oh no.

 

“Let’s just get started. It smells in here.”

 

“Yeah. Like teen spirit. And sweaty gym socks.”

 

Two girls walked in. One was dressed in mostly pink, with a beanie adorned with a star-shaped pin. She had a loose jacket over a pink tunic and small shorts. The other wore a baseball cap with a few small circular pins on it. She had her hands stuffed in the pockets of a dark green pullover and a gray pleated skirt. Both had their tentacles tied up in neat little bows. The pink one’s were mostly black and came all the way down to her thighs, while the green one had shorter white ones, each one tipped in their color.

 

The green one, who I’d gathered was Marie, took the mop bucket and changed to match the ink inside.

 

“... Cleanup on Aisle 7. It spilled.”

 

She looked down. Directly at me.

  


_Fuck._

 

No escape.

  


“Hang on, there’s… something in it?”

 

She reaches in and grabs me, but pulls back almost immediately.

 

“Ah-”

 

“What’s up?”

 

Marie pulled up her sleeves and pulled me out in one clean motion.

 

“Oh my cod.”

 

“What the…”

 

Looking at me with understandable confusion, she gently sets me down on the floor. Trying to shake off the embarrassment, I changed back to normal.

 

Silence.  
  
I wished I could just go back to hiding in the puddle.

 

“You… alright, kid?”

 

“Y-yeah. I’m okay.”

 

“What were you doing in here?”

 

“Um, well… h-hiding.”

 

“School’s been over for, like, an hour, silly!”

 

“Yeah, I- I fell asleep. Er… who are you? Are you seniors?"

 

"Oh, we're not students. Just the janitorial crew."

 

"Really? You seem a little too… glamorous for that."

 

"Such is the life of an up and coming pop star, little one."

 

Marie rolled her eyes at her friend.

 

"Just trying to pay the bills. I'm Marie, and that's Callie."

 

"We're gonna take the world by storm, just you wait! We're… the Squid Sisters!"

 

Oh. _OHHHH._  
  
_That's_ why I recognize their voices! I've heard them on TV!

 

"Wh… Why do pop stars have to take jobs cleaning a shitty high school?"

 

"That's what I said!"

 

"Most of our money goes out to other things. Savings, insurance, charities, whatever. We keep our personal lives pretty frugal."

 

"Mannn… being a national icon can be a pain in the butt sometimes."

 

"... That so."

 

"Can't really complain though. I've got the coolest cousin ever, after all!"

 

"Thanks, Cal."

 

Giggling to herself, Callie took the cart out into the hallway, used a roll of masking tape to attach three mops to her back, and rode the cart down the hall like a shopping cart doing the job of a road sweeper.  
  
"Classic Callie. What's your name, kid?"

 

"Ah, um… it's- it's Ydelin."

 

"... Huh. Can't say I've ever heard that one before. You wanna help us out?"

 

"I mean, if it'll make the place smell less like a Dimefront concert."

  


Janitorial stuff is like doing chores. You can just zone out completely. And I did. It took me a second to realize I'd been scrubbing the same few inches of floor for 5 minutes.

 

"Yo! Kid!"

 

"Huh? What's up?"

 

"We're headed out! C'mon, or we're lockin ya in!"

 

"Coming!"

 

I dipped into the closet to grab my bag when I noticed a flyer taped to the mop cart.

  
  
  


**This establishment cleaned by**

**CCC  
Cuttlefish Cleaning Corporation***

**Call us!**

**555-1134**

***not actually a corporation, we just like the alliteration**

  
  
  
  


A phone number.

 

I don't know what possessed me to do it, but I took it and jammed it into my pocket. The cousins and I parted ways at the bus stop and I headed home.

 

I flopped down on my bed, starfishing out. I pulled the slightly crumpled flyer out of my pocket and stared at it. Not really knowing what to do, I jammed it into my bedside drawer to deal with later.

  
  


"Lindy. Liiiiindy."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"I'm headed out, okay?".

 

“Aight.”

 

Katchy gave me look I couldn’t quite read before he shut the door. Maybe suspicion. I wouldn’t blame him.

 

Ugh.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:  
> Self Harm (Referenced)

I could practically feel my hearts pounding out of my chest. Why? This was so incredibly simple. Seriously, why can't I just do one goddamn thing? I shut my eyes tight and hit the call button.

 

"Hello hello!"

 

“Callie?”

 

“Oh, hey, it’s you! What’s up?”

 

“Um…”

 

The other end goes quiet for a second. I can hear Callie whisper  “It’s for you.”

 

“Yo.”

 

“H-hi, Marie.”

 

“Hey. What’s shakin?”

 

“I- I don’t wanna bug you, but, like, maybe we could… hang out or something today?”

 

A momentary silence that felt like it lasted seventy years.

 

“Yeah, I’m game.”

  
  
  


"Hey, over here!"

 

I walked up to the little outdoor table they'd secured.

 

"This is one of our coworkers!"

 

Callie turned to the third person in the group expectantly. She looked up, a bored expression on her face, and nodded. Then she just rested her face in her hand and went back to her phone.

 

"Yeah, that's Agent 3."

 

"A-Agent? Agent of what?"

 

“Our little secret society! I’m Agent 1, Marie is Agent 2, and she’s Agent 3!”

 

“I… see. What’s your name?”

 

She looked up at me with the same disinterested face and said nothing.

 

“She isn’t much of a talker.”

 

The waiter came around and handed us each our menus. Callie and Marie seemed to have already known what they’d wanted from the start.

 

“I’ll come back in a few minutes for you two, alright?”

 

I felt a panic begin to rise in my chest. I almost felt like I’m in a third-person camera, like the Terminator was staring at me but instead of an analysis it’s just pointing out all of my physical flaws. I have some freckles on my nose. Some scars on my arm that I can still hide under long sleeves until they heal, at least until summer comes around and rears its ugly head. And despite everything I try, I know that I still look fat. No matter what I do, nothing's going to change that. Why do I even bother? I can barely hear my surroundings over the screaming cacophony in my head, but a few bits of a conversation drift in.

 

“We found her hiding in a closet, yeah. She helped us clean too!”

 

Shit, they’re talking about me.

 

Agent 3 watches Callie as she talks with the same annoyed face. I just assume that’s her default. The waiter comes back, and 3 points to what she wants. This is what I'd been dreading.

 

"And for you?"

 

"Oh, I'm- I'm okay, thanks."

 

"You sure? It's on us today, you can have whatever ya like."

 

Feeling shock waves of panic shoot through me, I just nod. Looking for any excuse not to talk, I take a sip of my water and try not to make eye contact.

  
  
  


I can feel my mind wander away again, getting lost in my own thoughts. I can feel myself drift away like a stray cloud in the sky. I'm never really that conscious of it, it just happens. I only snap out of it when something touches my shoulder.

 

"Hellooooo?"

 

"Huh? What? Sorry, I just spaced out-"

 

"We were saying it'd be cool to have you join us!"

 

"Yeah. You'd be Agent 4."

 

"You down?"

 

"Oh, I… I don't know… I'm kinda busy with school and work and everything."

 

"It's not so much an organization as it is just us and our crazy grandpa. We just hang out."

 

"And every so often we save the world!"

  
  
  


Isn't this what I've always wanted? To be accepted? Then why does it feel… wrong somehow?


	3. Chapter 3

 

I stare down at the numbers. Back at my records. They aren’t going down. I scream in frustration and throw my notebook at the wall. I can feel the hunger burning. But I just have to ignore it. I’m never going to get anywhere if I don’t. Not that I’m not used to this feeling by now.

 

My phone? The hell? Who would be calling me? I have all the telemarketers in the city blocked. And it’s not Katchy, he’s asleep.

 

“Um… hello?”

 

“Yo.”

 

“M-Marie?”

 

“Yep. Got your number from Cal. What’s goin on?”

 

“Oh, not much. Just hanging out. Studying.”

 

I probably should be studying anyway. No way I’m gonna pass the next test if I don’t. I can barely keep myself awake during school, I have to use every second of energy I have wisely.

 

“Oh. Alright.”

 

“Er, why… why’d you call me?”

 

“I just wanna check on you. You looked pretty out of it last week. I wanted to call earlier, but I was busy and I didn't wanna call you during school...”

 

She was… worried about me?

 

“No, no, it’s alright.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yeah, I- I’m okay. Never better.”

 

I can hear my brain screaming at me. What the hell are you doing?! You’re only going to make her more suspicious of you.

 

“Actually. I’m always at your place.You… you wanna come over?”

 

A momentary silence.

 

“Sure, I’m free. Send me the address.”

 

As soon as she hangs up, I grab a pillow and scream into it. It makes my throat burn like hell. I’m just frustrated with myself. The simplest social things make me almost break down into a panic. Why can’t I just ask someone to hang out? Christ. I roll out of bed to put on something presentable and clean up.

  
  
  


“Heyo.”

 

“Hi. You find the place okay?”

 

“Yeah. Not too far of a walk.”

 

“Oh, thank God. You didn’t have to deal with the parking garage.”

 

“I can tell just from your face that it’s not fun.”

 

“It’s infamous, all right.”

 

“I didn’t know you drove.”

 

“Oh, I don’t. But I can hear people just trying to get to work cursing on my way to school.”

 

"... Wow _. _ ”

 

We walk past Katchy’s door on the way down the hall. Marie stops for a second.

 

“‘Do Not Disturb’?”

 

“Yeah, that’s for housekeeping.”

 

“I thought you lived alone.”

 

“Katchy works dead shift.”

 

“Katchy?”

 

“Yeah, he’s… he’s sorta like my dad?”

 

“There’s a lot I don’t know about you, I guess.”

 

Oh, you have  _ no  _ idea.

 

  
  


“Mi casa es su casa. Make yourself at home.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

She holds up a plastic bag.

 

“Want some ice cream?”

 

Shit.

 

“Oh, n-no thanks.”

 

She looks at me kinda funny.

 

“I’ve never seen you eat. Do you photosynthesize or something?”

 

“No, I’m just… I don’t like eating in front of people. It makes me anxious.”

 

Not really a lie.

 

“That’s fair. You mind if I eat mine?”

 

“Nah, go ahead.”

 

I pick up the TV remote and hit the power button. A distant sound comes through the wall. I turn it over. Written in silver Sharpie is  “My Room” .

 

“Wrrrong remote! I’ll be right back.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry the last one ended in a bit of a weird spot, i didn't wanna change POVs in the middle of a chapter  
> Content Warnings: Self-Harm (Referenced)

Guess that was the remote for the other TV. She dashes out the door and leaves me alone. I look around a bit. It’s honestly cleaner than I expected, but maybe she fixed it up before I got here. Let’s see.

 

There’s something hanging out of the bedside drawer. I tentatively reach out and open it, and the piece of paper flits down to the floor. All I intended to do was put it back. I pick it up and immediately I can feel my stomach drop.

 

The entire thing is covered in scribbly writing. Zero calorie foods, everything that’s pretty much ever been made in a low-fat variety. Lists of supplements that do and don't work. All the stuff you’d see in any clickbait weight loss article. I lean over a bit to peek into the drawer.

 

Of course, there’s some normal things. Chapstick, pens, hair bands, gum, a flashlight, a crossword that looks like it had been abandoned years ago. But that’s not the concerning part.

 

Printed out articles, all by the same person. About how many vitamins you’d need to take in a day or week. About how long you can really go eating nothing. About how to trick your body into feeling like it's eaten. About excuses for getting out of meals. About hiding your deteriorating condition from people, stressing the point that if you’re caught, it’s all over. Your loved ones think they’re helping you by forcing you to eat. And...

 

A kitchen knife wrapped in a bloodstained rag.

 

I’ve seen things I wasn’t supposed to. I hurriedly put the stray paper back into the drawer. I get a glimpse of the one thing scrawled on the back before slamming the drawer shut.

 

“Just one with half a bottle of tequila should do it.”

  


“I’ve got the right one this time.”

 

She holds up an identical remote with “Lindy’s” written on the back. Her face tells me this certainly isn’t the first time this has happened. But it’s more about what it doesn’t tell me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a callout post to the ao3 text editor's spellcheck, chapstick is a word


	5. Chapter 5

… Wait, where am I? What was I doing?

 

I slowly lift myself up. … The nurse’s office. Definitely not a place I’m unfamiliar with. I guess I passed out. I panic for a second before I remember that my test was _yesterday_ , and yes, I did finish it. The days have been blurring together lately. I hope they didn’t call Katchy. Last thing either of us needs is him worrying about me more than he already does.

 

“Hey! About time!”

 

“C-Callie!? What- what’re you doing here?”

 

“Marie was busy.”

 

“That… doesn’t answer my question.”

 

“Your dad works night shift, right? So they called us instead.”

 

“The school called you.”

 

“Well, no. They called the house phone.”

 

“The school. Called _you._ ”

 

“Yeah. Marie asked them to if anything happened. … She worries about you a lot. But she couldn’t come by to check on you. So here I am.”

  
  
Guess it’s too late. She probably knows. A lump started to form in my throat, but I pushed it down. I’ll worry about that later.

 

“What happened?”

 

“Actually… I saw it. You were walking to your locker or something, and there was this guy tailing you, saying some really awful things... You were just trying to ignore him, but… he got physical, and you- you didn’t get back up.”

 

“So you were here from the start.”

 

“Yeah, some kid spray painted curse words on the walls in the teacher’s lounge. Anyway, when I saw that, I got the nurse, and now you’re here.”

 

“How long was I out?”

 

“Mmm… 30 minutes, maybe?”

 

I take a second to think.

 

"Good, I didn't miss any classes."

 

"I really don't think that's what you should be worried about…"

 

I feel some kind of fury burning in my head. A static noise, rising louder and higher, the voice screaming over it. You don't deserve these people. You aren't good enough for them. You never will be. They don't really care about you.

 

“F-Four?”

 

You don't need them. You don't need their help. I know what the voice was telling me was wrong, but it's too deafening to let me think. I try to get up, but the vertigo sends me reeling back down.

 

“Do… do you want some help?”

 

“NO!”

 

Callie recoils and stares at me, dumbfounded.

 

“N-no, Cal, I'm sorry, I just… oh, never mind.”

 

She looks into my eyes. Maybe she's looking for something.

 

“Are you okay? You don't look so good…”

 

“Yeah. I'm fine.”

 

I hear a bitter tone creep into my voice. I stand up and stabilize myself on the wall. I can still see Callie staring at me. It's pretty clear on her face that she isn't buying it, but she looks too scared to press me any further.

 

“Four… if you feel worse, let me know, okay? I don't wanna bug you, I just…”

 

“... Okay. I will.”

 

I wish it was that easy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Self-Harm (Explicitly Stated)

I just went home. I want to take my mind off of everything, but I'd forgotten what it was like to have free time. I just stare up at the ceiling, my mind feeling like a radio between stations. Coherent thought was there, but only faintly, being drowned out by nothingness.

 

I look over to the drawer. It's been so long since I've cut. I promised I'd give it up. I open the drawer anyway. Who knows. With all the crap I stuff in there, maybe there could be something that makes me feel better.

 

Wait.

 

Something's been moved around.

 

The static and screaming becomes deafening. I can’t hear anything over it. This is how she found out.

 

I try to think clearly, but the voice won’t let me. It shrieks at me, shrill and unforgiving. How could I have let this happen? What the hell do I plan to do now? I’ve ruined it all. She doesn’t know what I want.

 

Look at yourself. You’re pathetic. You’re a coward. You _want_ her to help you. You’re fucking sick in the head. Why should you trust anyone anymore? They’ve all betrayed you. Left you to rot. Not a single one of them understood you. You think this one is any different. But she isn’t. She can’t be. She doesn’t care about you. You want her to help you so badly. You want her to come riding in on a white horse to save you. She won’t. You know she won’t. She doesn’t care. None of them have, and none of them ever will. Give up on any notion of love. The only way anyone will ever think you’re worth anything is when you look perfect. Think of all of your progress. You’re finally starting to lose weight. You’re getting skinnier. You’re getting smaller. The numbers are all that matter. And the numbers are going down. Bit by bit. You just have to keep it up. You _can_ do this. You have to keep on going. You’re too far in. You can’t be “saved” or “helped”. Nothing is wrong. You are in control.

 

Feeling my hearts start to beat faster and faster, my breathing get irregular, my hands getting shaky.

 

It’s lies. It’s all lies. I can’t fool my body. I can only fool my mind. And I refuse to let the cloth be pulled over my eyes any longer.

 

I know there’s only one way to make the voice go away.

  
  


[yd4lin: sorry.]


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Suicide

Don’t let me be too late. Please. Let me make it. Let me make it.

 

I run as fast as I can. My lungs are burning, as are my eyes. I can’t feel my legs, I can’t think clearly. All I know is that I have to get to her before anything happens.

 

No time to wait for the elevator. I take the stairs. In a panic, I bang on the door.

 

No response.

 

Of course not.

 

Feeling a lump rise in my throat, I desperately tear up the mat in front of the door and grab the spare key.   
  


I unlock the door. I can feel hot tears run down my face as it turns red.

  
  
  


Her door won’t open. Blinded by panic, I slam into it, screaming. Let me in. Please, let me in.

 

I stumble forward. I’d knocked the chair out from under the knob.

 

I lift myself up, wiping the tears from my eyes with my wrists.

  
  
  


Everything stopped.

 

The entire world, the progress of time, stopped. I can’t feel myself breathing anymore.

  
  
  


Propped up in a sitting position, but her head hanging down. An empty pill bottle next to her, a half-empty bottle of a deep orange liquid with a horrible smell in her hand, gripped by the neck. Blood flowing from her wrists, from frantically made and deep cuts. The stained kitchen knife laying not far away. Her form slumped over.

 

Not breathing.

  
  
  
  
  


My hearts, beating faster than ever, feel as if they’re going to leap out of my burning throat. I can’t feel anything else. All of my instincts are completely dulled out. I want to run. I want to scream. I want to call for help. But I can’t. I can’t even move.

  
  
  


I feel like I’m not even in control of my own body anymore. But I force myself to grab my phone. I’d never used the emergency call before. But I have to. There might still be a chance.

 

I can’t get any words out to the operator. Just a choked cough. I want to scream. More than anything. I want to scream it to the world. She’s dead. She’s dead and it’s all my fault.

  
  
  
  
  


I feel completely numb. I feel a dull pain in my legs, and a horrible burning in my throat. I climb into the back of the ambulance and watch silently as they attach all manner of tubes to her. A heart monitor’s steady beep tells me that she is still alive in there. I stare down at her face as the faint sound of the siren outside screams out to everything around it. She looks at peace. There is no smile on her face, but somehow it feels like this is the happiest she’s ever been. Everything around her is swirled up into a horrifying panic, but she lays silent and still. I feel disconnected from the entire thing. The panic is being blocked out, muffled, like someone screaming with a pillow over their face. Time still hasn’t resumed motion. Despite everything around me moving around so fast, I still feel completely frozen.

  
  
  


My mind finally clears after she’s secured to life support. The medics promise me she’s going to live. I can hear them speaking to each other, but after I hear that, I tune it all out. I don’t want to think about it. But my head won’t let it go.

 

She tried to kill herself. Just end it all. I knew there was something wrong. Ever since I saw what she’d been hiding. I told her that if she ever felt bad, I would always be there for her. Anything, and I’d drop what I was doing and come to help her. But it had gone in one ear and out the other. She’d always tried her hardest to hide that anything was wrong. She stayed chipper and happy when she was with us. She wore that mask, and it fooled us. She didn't want us involved in her battle. Her battle against herself. If any of  _ us  _ were feeling down on ourselves, she’d always be the first responder. She’d help us step back from the situation. Calm down. Assess the problem. And solve it as best we could. She was always there for us. But I couldn’t help feeling that we didn’t return the favor. She didn’t want our help. She wanted to handle it all by herself. But she couldn’t take it anymore.

 

Is she going to wake up? Is she going to hate me for not just letting her die? 

 

I’m not going to leave her again. She needs someone to help her. She can’t fight this alone anymore. And I’m not going to let her suffer alone. It’s my turn to help her.


	8. Chapter 8

"Miss?"

 

"Oh! Sorry, I was just... did you say something?"

 

"It's about the patient. She's going to live. We'll be putting her in the intensive care unit for the time being, as… well… I hate to say it, but we believe she's gone comatose."

 

"C-comatose?"

 

"I'm afraid so."

 

I'd heard about comas before. But it was always such a vague concept to me. Not something that might actually happen.

 

"She's… she's going to make it?"

 

"Yes, miss. She's being taken care of right now."

 

"Thank goodness…"

 

I pull out my phone. Three missed calls and seven texts from Callie.

 

[ca11ie: MARIE HOTARU CUTTLEFISH YOU C A N N O T JUST GO SILENT ON ME LIKE THIS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING]

 

Not sure how to respond, really. I snap a picture of the “You are here” map on the wall and send it to her.

 

[ca11ie: INKOPOLIS GENERAL]   
  
[ca11ie: ?????/???????/?????]

 

[agent.2: long story.]

 

[ca11ie: ARE YOU OKAY]

 

[agent.2: yeah im good.]

 

[ca11ie: what the hell are you doing]

 

… Shoot. How  _ do _ I explain this?

 

[agent.2: 4 is the one who is not okay]

 

[ca11ie: ohhh dear]

 

[ca11ie: what happened??]

 

[agent.2: im not really in a position to say]

 

[ca11ie: that is never a good sign]

 

[ca11ie: what kind of condition we talking]

 

[agent.2: icu, comatose]

 

[ca11ie: MOTHER OF NOGAMI]

 

… What do you even do for someone who’s comatose? Is there anything you  _ can  _ do?

 

The nurse from earlier walks out.

 

“Miss? Would you like to see the patient?”

 

“Yes, please. Is… is that alright?”

 

“Yes, of course.”

  
  
  


I walk in slowly, careful not to make too much noise.

 

She looks pretty much the same as she did the way here. Peaceful, unaware of the bustling around her. I close the door behind me. And suddenly it feels like we’re the only two people in the whole world.

 

“Lin, I… I don’t know if you can hear me, but it’s me. Marie. I’m… going to sit with you a while, alright?”

 

I pull up a chair next to her bed and sit down. Gently, I reach out and take her hand in both of mine, setting it on my lap.

 

“I’m… not really sure what I should do now. I want to stay with you… I want to help you feel better. There’s not going to be any getting around this, so I may as well just say it. I know what you’re going through. At least, some of it. I saw… the things in that drawer. I don’t… really know anything about eating disorders. But what I do know is that you’re my friend. You’re always looking out for all of us. And I care about you a lot. I know that I want to help you get over this. I’m not going to let the second chance life gave you go to waste. I’m guessing… if you felt like this was the only option, it’s pretty bad. But I promise I’ll take care of  you. I… n-no, no way, that’s too embarrassing to say, even if you might not even hear it…”

 

Yeah, no, no way. When she can't respond is the worst time to tell her that. I sigh and look down at her hand. It's small and cold, but I can still feel a bit of warmth. A bit of hope that she'll make it through this. And I'm going to stick by her every step of the way.

 

I hear a knock at the door that snaps me out of it. I don't want to get up.

 

"Come in."

 

Oh, it’s just the nurse.

 

“Are you alright, miss?”

 

I just stare down at Lin’s hand and grip it a little tighter.

 

“I… I don’t know.”

 

“... Could you please tell me about what happened to her? Or… should I give you some more time?”

 

“N-no, it’s alright.”

 

I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to relive that. Not now, not ever. But I stomach it. It’ll help her get better. So I tell them how I found her. And everything I know about her disorder.

 

“I knew something was wrong, but… I didn’t know how bad it was…”

 

They put a gentle hand on my shoulder.

 

“You did all you could. Blaming yourself is only going to make it worse. It seems that she wanted to keep it hidden from you. Many people suffering from eating disorders, anxiety, depression, or other such things want to keep those close to them out of their problems.”

 

“I can’t help feeling… like I’ve let her down. What if… what if she hates me for saving her?”

 

The nurse closes their eyes and thinks for a moment.

 

“Suicide is often a spur of the moment decision. People are told to watch for warning signs, but people who do not want to be stopped are careful to show none of them. … You know her far better than I do. But as a stranger, I’d like to think that she’d be thankful. It shows that you truly do care about her.”

 

They stand up and look down at her, a bit of a sad expression creeping onto their face.

 

“You can stay as long as you like, miss.”

 

And with that, they close the door again. It’s just us.

 

“Lin… I’m going to stay here for a while, alright? I don’t want to leave you again. I… don’t really know if you can communicate to me at all. But if you need anything, just try and let me know. I want to be here for you.”

 

I carefully pick up her limp hand and give it a small kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nogami is the squid jesus  
> nobody can prove he really existed, he did some wack shit, and he's revered/used as curse words
> 
> also yes, their full names are callie aori cuttlefish and marie hotaru cuttlefish  
> as much as marie would like to have you believe her middle name is procrastination


	9. Chapter 9

I cancelled everything I had planned over the next month. Filming, meetings with friends, appointments, jobs, everything. I told them all that someone close to me had been in an accident, and they all understood, wishing me well and saying that they hope she gets better soon. Nobody pressed me for details. Sometimes it feels like the world is a harsh and shitty place, but… it’s times like that that make me smile. Not everything’s gone to hell after all.

 

I put together an outfit, pack my tote bag, and pull the surgical mask up over my face. Half as a sort of disguise so I don’t get stopped by randos passing by, half because hospitals are full of germs and the last thing I need right now is to get the black death or something.

 

“Hey, Marie, wait a sec!”

 

“What’s up, Cal?”

 

She walks up to me and holds out a vase.

 

“Iris flowers?”

 

“Fake ones. Just in case someone has an allergy or something. But they have just a little perfume on ‘em to make ‘em smell fresh!”

 

“Cal…”

 

“I did a little reading on it, and apparently if you stimulate the main senses - y’know, touch, smell, hearing, all that - it could help someone recover faster. So I got these for you. Besides, hospital rooms aren’t exactly colorful. You guys could use just a bit of cheer in there!”

 

I wrap my arms around her and squeeze tight.

 

“... Thanks, Callie. You’re the best sister I could ever ask for.”

 

“We’re the Squid Sisters! We’re nothing without each other. So when one of us falls down… the other one’s gotta help her back up. You know?”

 

I wipe the tears out of my eyes. She’s my best friend and all, but I’d rather have snakes in my shoes than let her see me cry, thank you.

 

“I’ll swing by around noon to bring you some lunch!”

 

“Thanks, Cal. Stay fresh.”

 

“Stay freeesh!”

  
  


Callie’s a ray of sunshine no matter what. Good to see some things never change. Ever since the events of last week, she’s been going the extra mile to make sure I’m doing all right. In her words, “You’re taking care of her, but who’s gonna take care of you?!” She’s always been sweet like that. Ever since we were both young. She helped me feel like I was just any normal girl. She was never upset if she lost a Splatfest, and she never bragged when she won. She played it up a bit on TV, just to fit the personalities we’d established for our on-screen personas. Our spotlights have dimmed since then, we're ready to pass the reins of Inkopolis News on, and we've discarded those personas. … It feels a lot better to just be myself with people. I reflect on this as I walk.

  
  


I announce myself as I come in, just like I've been doing.

 

"Lin, it's me. … Callie gave me some irises for you. Fake ones, but with a little perfume. I'll put them… here. On the windowsill."

 

… Yeah. Cal was right. That looks a lot better. I look at them and smile. Snap a quick picture and send it to her.

 

I take my usual seat next to her and take her hand.

 

"... Sorry that I don't have much to talk about."

 

I hold her hand a little closer, squeezing it just a bit for comfort.

 

And she squeezes back.

 

"L-Lin?"

 

No change in her facial expression. No movement elsewhere. But I know I felt it. A small squeeze.

 

"Lin, can- can you hear me? Are you in there? Oh, um… one squeeze for yes, I guess."

 

It's weak, and it's shaky, but it's there. A gentle squeeze. I feel a wave of relief wash over me.

 

"Y-you're really alive, then…"

 

There are so many things I want to ask her. So much I want to know. But the way she is now, she can't tell me anything. I'll just have to be patient.

 

"... If you can hear me… do you want to read this book with me? I'll read it aloud for you. So you can follow along. And… when you really wake up, or at least start talking again… we could talk about it."

 

Nothing for a moment. One more small squeeze. I feel a little rush of joy.

 

"I read this one a long time ago, when I was little, it's always been one of my favorites~"

 

And so I begin. It really is one of my favorite stories, about how a knight travels to a realm of monsters to rescue a princess from a witch. However, the princess did not want to be rescued, as she'd run away from her abusive king/father with her witch girlfriend, and instead the knight is forced to tend a magical garden to make up for the property damage he has caused the monsters' village. He becomes friends with various monsters by helping them out, and learns more about his friend the princess and the witch. Oh, and he totally has a monster boyfriend.

 

I do all of the voices. It's a crime not to. The knight has a generic teenage boy sort of voice. It cracks when he gets surprised or angry. I can't really do it as well as I used to be able to… but I suppose that isn't all bad. Of course, the princess has a kind and gentle voice. The witch is a bit snarky, the doctor is soft but firm, the hand monster has an accent and speaks slowly. The cat monster has the voice of a shy little girl, the rutabaga monster has a voice you'd associate with a cartoon mayor, and the little soot monster just goes 'meep!'. Of course, when the princess sings her song with the hero, I sing it too. Callie always told me that my voice sounded just like a princess. She would hum the flute music, and I would sing the melody. I'd forgotten how much I loved this story, but it all came flooding back as I read the familiar lines, and used my voice to give each character their life.

 

I came across certain parts where, if Lin was awake, I know she'd laugh, or smile, or feel bad for them. But I looked over to her when they came. I never saw her face change for even a moment. Every so often, I'd silently squeeze her hand. Just to make sure she was still with me. She would always squeeze back.

  
  


"The hero decided to stay in the monsters' village. There were still repairs to be done, after all. Even though he was free of his curse, he wanted to stay. For his former princess. And for all the friends that he had made here. As he became friends with the monsters that he met, he felt less and less like his duty was chaining him down. He wanted to work in the gardens. He knew how important these berries were to all of the townsfolk, and how happy the town square's remodeling had made them. The berry plants, fickle as they were, had deemed him worthy. They grew with abundance because of the love he gave them And so he stayed in that village, tending the magical gardens."

 

I take a deep breath and close the book.

 

"... That's it. Did you like it?"

 

A small squeeze.

 

"I'm glad. … It's been so long since I've read it… sang the song… I hope I did alright."

 

Another squeeze. As if she was telling me that I did well. I stand up and stretch.

 

"I'll be right back. Just going to get a drink."  
  


 

"Just me. I'm back."

 

I sit down next to her again, taking her hand.

 

"... Lin? Can you hear me?"

 

… No response.

 

The heart rate monitor still beeps away. All of her vitals are fine. … I guess she just fell asleep.

 

The path to getting her back is going to be long. I can feel it. But it's a road I'm willing to walk to the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that story marie read is actually a game! it's called a hero and a garden and it's fucking amazing go play it RIGHT NOW it's F R E E
> 
>  
> 
> yen and cyrus are boyfriends


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quoth my beta reader:  
> "about proofreading: no problems, everything was coherent. if there was a typo i probably missed it bcs of Feelings  
> about my Feelings: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2WH8mHJnhM"
> 
>  
> 
> i aint got no more notes just read it

That period of semi-consciousness was short-lived. I latched onto the constant beep of the heart monitor to tell me she was still in there.

 

Sitting there with her was an odd sort of loneliness. I can’t really describe it.

 

The days began blurring together. My routine was the same each day. Get up. Get ready. Go to her. I would stay for at least an hour. I didn’t really have much to say to her. Just telling her about my day. Normal things we’d talk about if she were here. But I knew it wasn’t good for me  _ or  _ her to smother her too much. So I let other things happen. I got new contracts. I kept up the gig with Inkopolis News. Despite the claim that IN is “live in the studio”, it’s just pre-recorded clips edited together. Not that Inklings notice that we say the same things every time. The only stuff we’d recorded since those last few stages opened up has been Splatfest announcements. And the last one had just ended. Callie VS Marie. I won. I smiled for the fans and everything, but… shit, man. Even that wasn’t really enough to lift me up. Cal said she’s not upset. It’s just a game, after all. But I still feel bad for even agreeing to go against her like that. I owe her everything, after all. I’d never had gone on stage in the first place if it weren’t for her. We both recorded our own solos for the event though, so some good came out of it. I really like how both of them turned out, and it means we both have new ringtones for each other. I’d mostly returned to my normal life. Well, as normal as my life  _ can _ be, I suppose. Besides my daily visits. I pull up Tide Goes Out on my phone before walking in. I’m really looking forward to letting Lin hear it. She seems to like music.

  
  


“Morning.”

 

I come in and take the seat next to her, as always.

 

“So, you remember the Splatfest last week, right? Well, we recorded two new singles to go along with it, and they finally got them released on Splatify. I thought… maybe you’d want to hear mine.”

 

No response. It’d been three months. I was used to it.

 

I let the music play. I take a moment to close my eyes and reflect. On how far I’ve come. When I was little, I never dreamed anything like this would happen.

 

But my daydreaming is interrupted by a noise.

 

What was that? The guys didn’t mess up the recording, did they? Nah. there’d be international outrage or something. What is that?

 

“Ngh…”

 

Sounds like… someone in pain? The hell? It’s just us in the room.   
  


 

 

Wait.

 

“Cod… my head…”   
  


 

  
  


I feel my hands start to shake. My phone slips out of my hand and lands hard on the ground. But I couldn’t care less.

 

Lin flinches and raises her hand up to shield her eyes from the light above her. She slowly pushes herself up into a sitting position.

 

“... M-Marie? What… what are you doing here?”

 

I can’t help it. Tears start rolling down my face. I can feel a lump building up in my throat. But I don’t care.

 

She’s back. She’s alive.

  
  
  


And I start wailing like a baby.

 

“Wh- woah- Mar, calm down… what happened?”

 

I rub my sleeve over my eyes to clear the tears away.

 

“You’re… you’re really here… this isn’t a dream, right? It’s real?”

 

“N-no, I don’t think so.”

  
  
We pinch ourselves on the cheek. Nope. I’m still here. And so is she.

  
  


I reach out and pull her by the neck into a hug. I can feel her face get hot with embarrassment, but I don’t care. I can’t even find words. Probably still confused, she offers me a gentle pat on the back.

 

After two minutes that felt like an eternity, she pulls away. Desperate, I cling onto her hand, which she allows.

 

“So… why are you crying? Did- did I miss something?”

 

“You’ve been comatose for  _ three months. _ ”

 

She blinks.

 

“I what?”

 

‘You’ve been-”

 

“No, sorry, I heard you, but… what?”

 

“I… guess that makes sense. You were probably unconscious for, like, 90% of it. I only got you to respond to me once. Do… do you remember that?”

 

“Everything’s… a little fuzzy right now. Sorry. Then… all of that was a dream?”

 

“All of what?”

 

“There was, like… this weird town… with all these people… yeah, it was probably a dream.”

 

“Listen, Lin, I-”

 

“Yeah, I know. You know about the whole not eating thing. Don’t you.”

 

“... Yeah.”

 

“Well… the voice in my head needs to shut the fuck up. I’m fucking sick of it. That’s… that’s why I did that. Why I tried to make it quiet forever. I thought it was the only out. The only way I could be free from it. … What happened after I passed out?”

 

“After I got your text, I knew something was wrong. So I ran to your apartment… I took the spare key, I busted your door open, and… I found you lying there. I couldn’t even think. I just forced myself to call for help. I… I really thought you were dead… you were dead and it was all my fault, because I couldn’t help you, because I couldn’t get to you in time… The ambulance took you to the hospital, and… they said you were comatose. A nice nurse helped me figure out what I could do to help you… And I’ve been coming in every day. Because no matter what, I wasn’t going to let myself lose hope. You were alive. And I wasn’t ever going to let anything happen to you again.”

 

We both stay silent for a little while. I can hear her heart rate go up a little. To a normal pace.

 

Finally, she speaks up.

 

“You came to see me  _ every day? _ When I wasn’t even conscious?”

 

“Of course I did…”

 

“Why?”

 

“Why? Because I didn’t want to leave you alone. Even if I don’t understand really how eating disorders work, or what I can do to help you, I want to be there. I want to be someone you can turn to for help. Someone you can lean on, someone you can cry on. Someone you can trust that wants the best for you. If nothing else, I just want to be there so you aren’t alone in your struggle anymore. … Because… Dammit! I- I’m your friend! And I like you a lot! So I don’t care what the voice tells you! You matter! You’re important! You’re not a burden! You’re nothing like the voice makes you out to be! It’s a fucking LIAR!”

 

I’m gripping both of her hands tightly in mine. I’m standing up, staring straight into her eyes. She looks mildly surprised now that I’ve started almost yelling, but I’m on too much of a nervous high to stop myself.

 

“Because… Ughhhhhh!”

  
  
I throw my hands up and cover my eyes, grimacing in frustration.

 

“Cause... Dammit, Lin!  **I love you, okay?!** ”

  
  
  
  


 

I sit down and take deep breaths.

  
  


“That… got a lot more heated than I expected. But I mean every word of it.”

 

She looks absolutely floored. I let her have as much time as she needs to gather her thoughts.

 

After about a minute of tense silence, she whispers.

 

“First… thank you. It… it’s great that I have someone who cares so much about me. I wish… I wish I was that confident, heheh...”

 

A smile. I haven’t seen that smile in so long. I missed it so much. And a real, genuine laugh.

 

“You… you really mean all that?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“E-even…”

 

“Yeah, even that last part. I’ve been keeping it in too long, that’s why I got so frustrated.”

 

“You really…”

 

“Yes! I’ll say it again even!”

 

I feel all the ink rush to my face.

  
  
“Ydelin, I… I love you.”

  
  
  
  


She smiles so happily, a real joy behind her eyes that I’d never seen before.

 

“You’re adorable. Look, you’re blushing~”

 

She looks up at the ceiling.

 

“If you want to hear the truth… I had a crush on you from the very start. Of course… with my history of consistent romantic failures, and the voice telling me how worthless I am… it felt bad. Just another layer of hell on the garbage fire cake. Besides. A gorgeous, famous, perfect idol? I’d have just been another one of the thousands of love confessions that gets ignored. But… if that’s the way you feel…”

  
  


 

“I… I think I’d like to have someone to tackle this with. Just… don’t expect me to know what I’m doing when it comes to dates and stuff.”

 

“W-wait. You’re.. you’re saying yes? Already?”

 

“Yeah, of course. I was terrified that, if I ever really did get into a relationship, the voice would ruin it. Like it does everything. But if you really do love me, and… you want to help me get rid of the voice… then I have nothing to worry about.”

 

“... We’ll walk this road together. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally  
> i am drawing close to the end  
> this has been amazing to write but i really wanna get it finished  
> one more chapter maybe? hopefully?


	11. Chapter 11

I felt like I’d lost every part of myself. The disorder, the voice, had consumed me whole, drained everything out of me. I’d put on the act of happiness for so long I no longer had a sense of who I was before it. I would have been completely lost if it weren’t for Marie. She promised to me that she would do anything if it meant I could heal from this.

 

We threw away everything from the bedside drawer of shame. All that gaslighting bullshit, all the horrible lies the voice told me. The knife. We got rid of it all as the first step. It was liberating. Everything that chained me down was gone. It was more of a symbolic act than anything else, but it was important. I replaced it all with the first picture she took of us together. The first genuine smile I’d had in so long. The day I was discharged. I still open the drawer when I feel bad. But I feel better instead. I look at the picture and I smile.

 

Of course, I went back to normal eating. I finally stopped feeling like I never had the energy to do anything, like every second was exhausted agony. I’d forgotten what it felt like to feel… good. Physically, I mean. But after the hell I put myself through, it felt like the most amazing thing on Earth.

 

It… actually turns out Marie doesn’t know what to do in a relationship either. So it’s just the same as it was before, but I’m not miserable all the time. Also I can usually sit closer to her without my face feeling like it’s gonna melt. Usually. But it’s a good feeling now. When we do intimate stuff - you know, holding hands and hugs and that good shit - I feel like I might just die. But, like, in a good way. I dunno. It’s hard to really describe it. Euphoria, maybe? Something like that.

 

We never told Callie or Three  _ exactly _ what happened. Just that I’d had a bit of a tough time. They were both supportive. Well, I mean. Callie was. Three just gave me a pat on the back, which I’m assuming is her being supportive. Neither of them pried at all. That I appreciated.

 

And so… things have gotten a lot better. I feel like I’m worth something again. I’m happy. And the voice is gone. It won’t ever bother me again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's your epilogue!  
> this is the fucking longest fic i have written yet  
> wanna guess how many pages this is?  
> at size 11 font for my blind ass, T H I R T Y F O U R.  
> so yeah i'm gonna go read some old literature to recoup and eventually find another au to get way too caught up in


End file.
